Sensing your boundaries and growing in capacity to support yourself

A student of mine once said:

“…the boundary is already there, all I have to do is sense it within my body. It is a feeling process, not a thinking process”.

This simple sentence so beautifully encapsulates what it means to embody your boundaries. But if all you have to do is sense your boundaries within your own body why is it still so hard, all time or even just sometimes.

When it comes to boundaries, for you who identify as sensitive, there are two challenges that I often hear about and see that sensitives have. In this post I want adress both them and give some tips on how to support yourself in these challenges.

1. Permeable boundaries

The first time I heard the word permeable I had no idea what that meant. Other words to describe the same thing is: porous, penetrable, absorbent. So in other words it means that “things” can more easily pass through the boundary, it less dense than a boundary that has a lot of integrity.

A permeable boundary is more difficult to sense than a boundary with more integrity. That means that you have to practice, and be attentive, to really start to notice that thin layer of the edge so that you don't move past it (at least not too often) and end up feeling overwhelmed every day.

Of course there are times in life when you have to move beyond your boundaries. Anyone who is a parent sure knows about that! And because you don’t live in vacuum, you live in relationship to and with other people and your environment. And sometimes you have to be there for someone else even when it feels a bit too much. And sometimes you want to accomplish something for yourself and to do that you might have to stretch a bit more than what feels supportive. But there is a difference between consciously moving passed your edge momentarily and living your day to day life outside of your boundaries. To consciously move passed your edge momentarily also entails to have resources in place that support you to move back inside the boundaries and integrate after you’ve dipped your toes outside.

If you notice that “Yes, permeable boundaries really resonate with me!” my suggestion to you is to daily, or as often as you can, practice firm self-touch combined with the words ‘I AM HERE’. This is one of my favorite practices both for myself and to offer to my clients and students. It is a foundational embodiment practice that over time can have a remarkably positive effect on how to experience your sense of self and your boundaries. That is really what boundaries is about, to have clear sense of self. To be able to sense where you end and the world around you begins, and what belongs to you, what is your responsibility, and what is someone else’s.

2. Fluctuating boundaries

Another funny word! Other words to describe fluctuating is: shift, alternate, be unsteady.
So a fluctuating boundary is a boundary that keeps changing without any apparent pattern or predictability. A fluctuating boundary gives that feeling of - what was possible yesterday is not possible today, and tomorrow “who knows?”

The feeling of having fluctuating boundaries may make you feel unsure of how to plan your life, what to say yes and no to. And might give a sense of wanting to protect yourself from the overwhelm that suddenly hits you from out of nowhere. It seems like some people have very clear and steady boundaries. It is like they have a baseline of energy and capacity that doesn’t change that much. One of the reasons for this is that they aren’t as effected by their environment and for example other peoples emotions and energy as you as a sensitive are. So to compare yourself, what is possible for you, with other people can be almost destructive because you function differently. To start to understand who you are and how you function is a way to begin to find some stability in your fluctuating boundaries.

With slow and consistent awareness and practice your fluctuating boundaries can become more like oscillating boundaries. To oscillate is to move or swing back and forth in a regular rhythm. So instead of there being a sense of irregularity, you can being to find your unique patterns. If you are a woman and still menstruating you might connect your changing boundaries to the changes in your cycle. I personally have a map of my cycle on my phone and a drawing of it on my refrigerator door. That way I can always check before I say yes to a big social event if I will be in my social phase or not. So awareness about what effects your boundaries and how is key to finding some sense of that stability that a lot of us sensitives long for. So this is not about changing who you are, it is about honoring and embracing your sensitivity.

I hope you found something of value here, and if so please leave a comment below with any thoughts, questions or reflections that might have come up when reading!

In my weekly emails to the Embodiment for Sensitive People community I share simple practices that you can use in your everyday life.
These are practices that help you to befriend your sensitivity and build capacity to be in the highs and lows of life.
Here you can sign up for the emails: COMMUNITY