Being You, or becoming authentic
If you are here, reading this, you’ve probably asked yourself, or is continually asking:
Who am I? or What am I?
You feel a deep longing to Be more You, as so many of us do.
A longing to be more authentic and true.
A longing, or urge, to express yourself without diminishing this expression.
And you wonder why it is so difficult, when really it should be the simplest thing to do.
And yet, so many of us struggle to show up for ourselves and each other as who we really experience ourselves to be.
Internalized opinions
Maybe you have, just like me, been told to look within, only to find conflicting and polarized opinions, ideas, and beliefs about who you are and should be, what you desire and what you want to say no to.
These are internalized voices from a life of being told, implicitly or explicitly, what is accepted and what should be hidden from view.
Maybe you’ve tried to distance yourself from this internal dialoge, only to realize that the distance makes the voices speak louder.
And when you begin to listen you don’t know what to do with all the information and the sensations and the emotions that are flowing through you.
You keep shifting and changing, like the wind changes direction and intensity from one moment to the next. One moment you are one thing, the next morning you wake up as someone else.
I don’t remember who said it…but someone wise did (if you know who, please remind me..), it goes something like this…
“A human being is the most puzzling of all puzzles”
Solving puzzles - being authentic
I find great comfort and joy in solving puzzles.
First I organize the pieces in different piles according to shape and color.
Then I lay out the boundaries, the outer pieces that create the container for the rest of the image to appear within.
If it’s an image with a big area of the same color, such as water or sky, I often navigate towards that sameness once the boundary is in place.
I spend some time getting familiar with the different nuances of this sameness before I dive into the darker or more complex parts of the puzzle.
Then I pendulate in between the sameness and the more complex.
Slowly the image become clear, one piece at a time.
When I lay the outer puzzle I am also working on my inner puzzle.
It’s something that happens underneath the surface as I let my hands work in the outer realm.
My deep inner intelligence does it’s magic, just like it did when it created this bodymindsoul that is sitting here writing these words.
Some call this intelligence Higher Self or simply Self.
Others call it Core Self or fundamental consciousness or True Nature.
To me it feels like the intelligence of intelligence.
Being You or being-becoming authentic is something that emerges from within as you sink into the very ground of your being, the Core Self.
It is not a doing, it is not something you have work on or figure out, it is more an allowing both you and life to happen just has it happens.
Why is it so difficult?
Let’s circle back to why it might be so difficult, when really it sounds so simple.
On a nervous system level, any kind of difference can register as a threat in our bodies.
Differences such as difference in opinion, life style, financial resources, education, skin color, gender, tone of voice, choice of clothes, body movements, and so on.
There is a strong biological urge in us to fit in, because being different or standing out in a crowd is threatening.
That means that there are parts of us that wants to blend in, in order to stay safe, and so we hide our uniqueness.
Or we search for places, communities, gatherings where our uniqueness is closer to the norm.
Or we get really skilled at shapeshifting, at matching the group we are currently involved in.
All of these survival skills are wonderful and very much needed, and it is also what hinders us, as a
collective, to diversify our view of what is the norm.
As we hide or try to fit in, our view of what is accepted becomes more narrow.
And as we begin to let ourselves be seen beyond what is the norm or what we believe to be accepted, our view of who we are and how we can be slowly expands.
As I experience it, we need to sink underneath the nervous system layer to be able to notice both the urge to fit in and the longing for authentic self-expression.
To sink into the very ground of our being, that which is aware of all that is happening.
When we sink underneath the nervous system layer we can begin to parse out what is what, and what belongs where.
Like laying a puzzle, organize the pieces in different piles to be able to fit them back together.
Meet the biological urge to fit in
Once we can recognize this biological urge to fit in, we can compassionately meet the fear, or even shame, that arises when we stand out, speak up, or reveal something that is outside of what have previously felt safe.
Our view of what is safe, in this sense, is relative.
That means that it can change, we can change it, if we want to change it.
We don’t change it by pushing through the fear, or by denying it, but through holding the fear like you would hold a child in need of comfort.
Neither do we change it by pushing ourselves into more self-expression than we are ready for, or denying our longing for self-expression.
We begin to change it by holding the wholeness of who we are.
By allowing the longing for self-expression and the urge to fit in, to meet and be held simultaneously.
And to pendulate in between the fear of standing out and the longing to be more You.
Safe self-expression
This pendulation is what allows for the whole image of you to emerge.
And what allows you to slowly expand your view, or experience, of what is safe to express.
When it feels safe to express yourself it will happen naturally, because self-expression and authenticity is part of your nature.
It is not something you have to learn, you don’t have to learn to be You.
What you might have to learn, or remember, is that it is safe to be You.
That it is safe to stand out, to speak up, to be different than what is the now norm.
This is how we change the norm, this is how we change the culture.
This is how we show ourselves and each other that differences are not threatening, at least not all of them.
The paradox in all of this is, that once we begin to reveal more of who we truly are others will begin to feel safe to show more of themselves and our relationships to each other deepens.
So what feels threatening can actually be what brings us closer.
And remember that there are moments in our lives when this ability to fit in, to blend in, is needed.
Moments when we need it to stay safe or even to survive.
So my suggestions is not to try to get rid of it, or to suppress it, but to calibrate it so that this urge arises in times of crises and not in everyday life, in your home, or with your friends.*
Let me recap the most important things I’ve touched upon in this text:
To struggle with self-expression or being authentic is something that most humans experience, at least at some point in life.
The conflicting or polarizing opinions, ideas, and beliefs that you experience within, are most likely internalized voices from a life of being told, implicitly or explicitly, what is accepted and what should be hidden from view.
Being You, or being-becoming authentic, is not something you have to learn or figure out. What you might have to learn is that it is safe to be You.
We humans have a natural biological urge to both express ourselves and to fit in. This urge to fit in arises because on a nervous system level all differences can register as threatening.
When we sink underneath the nervous system level we can begin to notice the urge to fit in, or to hold ourselves back, in order to stay safe.
When we learn how to hold the wholeness of who we are, both the urge to fit in, the fear of standing out, and the longing to be more authentic, we can slowly begin to expand our experience of what is safe.
Through expanding our individual view of what is safe, what is within the norm, we are part of expanding the collective view of what is the norm and what is acceptable. This is how we are part of changing the culture.
When one begins to reveal more of who they are, step into authentic self-expression, it gives others permission to do the same.
I hope you found something of value here, and if so please leave a comment below with any thoughts, questions or reflections that might have come up when reading!
In my weekly emails to the Embodiment for Sensitive People community I share simple practices that you can use in your everyday life.
These are practices that help you to befriend your sensitivity and build capacity to be in the highs and lows of life.
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* Unless your home or everyday life is threatening your safety, then I ask you to please reach out to a local support system where you can get help to remove yourself from the threatening environment.